Sounds like a simple question…
But if I asked YOU this question, what would you tell me?
Your occupation? Your background? Your preferences? Your interests and hobbies? Perhaps you’d tell me about the multiple roles you juggle in life such as a parent, a partner, a friend and a colleague?
Sure, these things can tell a lot about a person… and people often answer this question by telling me what they DO instead of who they ARE.
But it goes much deeper than that!!!
Our sense of self is our perception of who we are. It’s the way we see ourselves – our inner and outer selves. It includes our beliefs, values, traits and characteristics. It also influences the way we present ourselves to others.
If we aren’t sure who we are, we feel dissatisfied, empty and lost in life. We often experience a lack of purpose, struggle with self-doubt and low self-esteem. We get lost in relationships, putting our own goals, needs, and desires aside.
We try so hard to “fit in” instead of embracing our own uniqueness. We are expected to look a certain way and do what everyone else is doing. We compare ourselves to others too much.
There is so much pressure to live up to the expectations of others.
Having a strong sense of self is essential to our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual wellbeing. It helps us to stay true to ourselves.
Signs you have a strong sense of self:
- You live a more authentic life
- You are not driven by the norms, standards and expectations of others
- You don’t measure yourself by external standards and you set healthy boundaries
- You are more aware of your core values, strengths and shortcomings
- You have a higher self-esteem
- You are more likely to be independent and confident
- You engage in positive self-talk to encourage self-growth
- You regularly take time to reflect and look within to develop deeper level of learning and understanding
- You are open to change
Signs you have a weaker or less-developed sense of self:
- You have the need to “fit in” and to be accepted by others
- You tend to become a ”people pleaser” and susceptible to peer pressure
- You seek external validation and approval from others
- You try to make others happy regardless of your own feelings and needs
- You are easily influenced by others, including social media
- You are overly concerned about what others think of you
- You have a difficulty making decisions
- You struggle to say “NO” and go along with what others want
- You rely on others to determine your self-worth
If you don’t know who you are, there are things you can do to get to know yourself better.
Here are my suggestions to strengthen your sense of self:
- Make a conscious effort to figure out who you are. Take a closer look at yourself
- Spend some time in solitude. Being alone is NOT the same as being lonely. Try and become more comfortable by spending a little time on your own. Go for a walk or sit in the garden. Guys, spend some time in your shed, garage or “man cave”
- Reflect on your past experiences. How did you become the person you are today?
- Develop self-awareness by observing yourself throughout the day. Notice your conversations and interactions with others. Observe without judgement
- Notice your inner monologue. Is it more negative than positive? Are you your own worst critic? Connect with your inner voice and become more aware of what you are thinking and feeling
- You don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes working with a therapist can be helpful to explore and uncover painful emotions and experiences buried in subconscious
- Acknowledge that it might be difficult to change your mindset. This will take time and effort. Start by making small but meaningful changes
So, WHO are you, really?
Eila Mikkonen
Counsellor, Coach & Mental Fitness Facilitator