As humans, we are very capable of judging and punishing ourselves. No matter what we do, it’s never good enough. We are often our own harshest critic.
Why do we punish ourselves? Why it’s so hard to treat ourselves with kindness and respect?
There are many reasons, but many are connected to past experiences, patterns learned in childhood, rejection, neglect, or abusive relationships, to name a few. People who have experienced trauma often blame themselves. Even if they had no control over the event or situation. They blame themselves for what happened and internalise these experiences. This can lead to chronic feelings of anxiety, guilt, and shame as well as unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as self-punishment.
Self-punishment comes in many forms. Excessive exercise, drinking or substance use, persistent self-criticism, perfectionism, self-medication, even physical self-injury… there are so many different ways to punish ourselves, both physically and emotionally. Often, people aren’t even aware that they are doing it.
Self-punishment is damaging to our physical and mental wellbeing. It can have far-reaching implications, including depression, anxiety, low self-worth, eating disorders, irrational fears, distorted self-image, unhealthy relationships, obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours. We come to believe that there’s something fundamentally wrong with us. We conclude that we “deserve” to suffer and aren't worthy of happiness and self-compassion.
We can be our worst enemies!
Do you struggle with self-compassion? Do you often hear the voice inside your head that's never happy with what you do? “Everything is my fault”, “How can I be so stupid?”, or “I don’t like myself much”. Our inner dialogue can be extremely cruel and destructive. But how to go from self-punishment to self-compassion? How to start developing a more compassionate relationship with yourself?
Everything starts with self-awareness.
It’s the first step towards change. You need to identify why you keep punishing yourself in the first place. Often, this process is not easy and brings up uncomfortable emotions as well as a range of physical symptoms such as fatigue, headaches, dizziness, digestive issues, or sleep disturbances. But they are there for a reason. They need to be acknowledged, explored, and released. Slowly, one step at a time. And over time, these small steps can lead to big, meaningful changes.
Turning away from pain, suffering, and difficult emotions doesn’t make them disappear. Healing is not about forgetting the past. It’s about transforming it into inner strength and resilience. Many studies have shown that self-compassion is associated with increased optimism and greater psychological wellbeing.
But showing more compassion towards yourself can feel strange, even scary. If you are not sure where to start, it can be helpful to speak with a trained therapist, especially if you engage in chronic self-punishing behaviours. They can provide the support, tools, and strategies to better manage, and even overcome, this harmful behaviour.
Let me share a simple yet powerful way to slow the mind, ease anxiety, and increase self-compassion.
Give yourself a hug!
Yes... a hug! You can do it right now. Just wrap your arms around yourself in tight embrace. By giving yourself a hug, you send a powerful message of kindness and reassurance to your inner self. It only takes a second and can be done anywhere, at any time.
Thankfully, it’s never too late to change negative core beliefs about yourself.
It’s never too late to develop a more compassionate relationship with yourself!
Eila Mikkonen
Counsellor, Clinical Supervisor & Mental Fitness Facilitator