I have worked in prisons… and heard lots of stories. Stories about relationships, regret, survival, abuse, violence, drugs, and death. But there is one story I will never forget. A story told by an inmate serving a long sentence for committing violent and repeated crimes, including murders.
When I asked him if he felt any remorse, he replied with a blank expression, “I don’t feel anything... I keep my heart in a box.” After hesitating briefly, he continued, “But, once a year, my heart comes out of the box." I sat in silence and waited. He then told me a story about the letters from his nieces and nephews – letters from years gone by. Letters delivering messages of hope, healing and forgiveness. He loved reading those letters – his only connection with the outside world.
Eventually, the letters stopped coming.
But he kept the old letters, held together with a rubber band, safely tucked away in a shabby box. He treasured them. And once a year, usually around Christmas time, the letters – and his heart – came out of the box. As he read, and re-read the letters, he gave himself permission to F-E-E-L . . . sadness, regret, rage, hate, happiness, love. He was in touch with his emotions, if only briefly. Emotions bottled-up and buried deep inside. Then, the letters – and his heart – went back into the box for another year. It was better that way, he said.
Imagine being so disconnected from your emotions that you don’t feel anything at all. It must be a cold, dark and empty world. And this is the world he had been living in for a very long time. This “emotional numbness” can lead to many mental, physical and emotional issues. In some cases, it can lead to acts of extreme violence and cruelty… even murder.
If you find difficult to express emotions, you are not alone.
Many of us have been taught to hide, avoid or push away our darker and unpleasant emotions. But denying our emotions and feelings doesn’t make them go away. They are more likely to build up… and explode uncontrollably. So, it's really important to get our emotions out – the good as well as the difficult.
Fortunately, there are lots of ways to identify, express and deal with strong emotions appropriately. Read about emotions and how they work. Try writing or artwork. Consider talking to someone you trust or a trained professional. Perhaps calling a helpline is an option. Find a way that works for you – there are so many healthy ways to process your emotions. But first, YOU have to take responsibility for starting the process.
How do you feel after reading this story? Angry? Sad? Curious? Or perhaps you aren’t even sure how you are feeling. Recognising, understanding and experiencing uncomfortable emotions can be difficult, even painful at times. But if you keep stuffing them into a box, eventually the box is going to get full. Then what happens?
I hope this article inspires you to get in touch with your emotions instead of avoiding them!
Eila Mikkonen
Counsellor, Coach & Mental Fitness Facilitator