You appear calm and in control. You put on a brave face and pretend that everything is well. You maintain a facade of perfection and try and keep up with your work tasks. But inside, you are struggling. And there is no one you can talk to. You feel totally alone although you are surrounded by others all day. Everyone looks busy, nobody has time to listen or ask about your day. You are thinking, “What’s wrong with me?” By the end of the day, you feel unhappy, anxious and stressed.
Would you be surprised if I told you that you're NOT alone?
Your colleagues may not look like they are struggling but often, they are. Just like you. I listen to people for a living and they share very personal stories about themselves. Stories about relationships, fear, loss, confusion, survival, abuse, grief, just to name a few. And feeling lonely and disconnected from others at work is more common than you think.
No one wants to be seen as weak or unable to cope so people feel pressured to maintain a professional, polished and controlled “mask”. We all have different things we hide from others, or even ourselves. Insecurity, past mistakes, sadness, anxiety, depression, sexual orientation, identity, family violence, substance use. We cover a lot of things up. On the outside we appear confident, while inside we are struggling to cope. But trying to pretend that everything is okay is exhausting.
You don’t have to remove your “mask” completely. From time to time, you need to protect yourself and wearing a “mask” is a way of setting boundaries. For example, it’s important to protect yourself from people who might not have good intentions. But wearing a “mask” can’t be your ONLY way of dealing with the world and people around you.
It is also good to remember that being alone is not the same as being lonely.
Spending a lot of time around others can be draining and having some time alone in your own “bubble” is a great way to rejuvenate and recharge. This is one of my favourite ways to clear my mind, focus, and re-balance my energy levels. I’m an empath, a person who is highly intuitive and attuned to the emotions, experiences and energy of others. I need a certain amount of “alone time” throughout the day in order to recharge and avoid emotional burnout. So, being alone is OK, as long as it is YOUR choice.
Sadly, so many people feel lonely in the workplace.
No matter how much you enjoy your job, feeling disconnected from others can start to take an emotional toll on you. As the well-known saying goes, “no man is an island”, we all need healthy relationships to flourish. Shiftwork, hot desking, increasing use of technology, and remote working is making it harder to form close relationships. More and more jobs today don’t require any face-to-face interactions.
If you work in a high-risk occupational environment exposed to trauma, suffering and distressing situations, feeling alone can be particularly detrimental to your wellbeing.
Do YOU have someone to turn to?
If not, I have three tips that can help you feel less lonely at work:
Tip #1. START SMALL
Make ONE friend. Is there someone in your workplace who has a similar perspective as yours? Perhaps you have kids around the same age, or you’re both really into sports? Intentionally seek him or her out and start a conversation. It only takes ONE person, ONE meaningful connection in the workplace to eliminate feelings of loneliness. You just need to be willing to reach out. It's quality, not quantity that matters.
Tip #2. SAY ”HELLO"
If there is someone who is just sitting on their own all the time in the kitchen during lunchtime, then go and say “hello.” This might be scary, but sometimes we need to make the first move in order for people to open up to us. This simple act of saying “hello” - whether you already know them or not - can be a powerful way to connect with another human being. It makes you more approachable, and by reaching out, even a little, can help alleviate someone else's loneliness too.
Tip #3. TALK IT OUT
Opening up can really help people cope when they are feeling lonely. Telling someone about your feelings can help to put things in perspective. A friend or family member? Or perhaps your employer offers an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), a work-based intervention program designed to assist employees deal with personal and work-related problems. Sometimes there is only so much that friends and family can do so talking to a professional can be a better option.
Now more than ever, it is crucial that you take time to actively manage your wellbeing. With the coronavirus crisis forcing many of us to self-isolate and work from home, staying connected to others by phone, e-mail or social media is so important.
Emergency service workers dealing with the crisis, whether on the front line or behind the scenes, may feel extra stress during these difficult times.
If you are feeling isolated at work, no matter to what degree, I encourage you to reach out. Having meaningful connections can help you in a lot of ways. With one small step at a time, you can find the right balance between being alone and being with others.
Please, don’t suffer in silence!!!
Eila Mikkonen
Counsellor, Coach & Mental Fitness Facilitator